Across social media and in therapists’ offices, a growing chorus is questioning the way we talk about emotions. A French psychoanalyst has now pinpointed one seemingly kind phrase that he believes should leave our vocabulary in 2026, for the sake of our relationships.
The phrase everyone uses, but no one really hears
We tend to rely on ready-made lines when someone confides in us. They sound caring, they come out fast, and they help us dodge awkward silences. Yet those automatic phrases can land badly.
For years, we have leaned on a classic: “I understand how you feel.” It appears empathetic. It signals support. It creates a sense of shared experience.
“I understand how you feel” looks kind on the surface, but often leaves the other person feeling unseen and minimised.
French psychoanalyst Christian Richomme argues that this sentence is the one to retire in 2026. His reasoning is simple: none of us can fully know what another person is feeling inside.
Why “I understand how you feel” can backfire
At first glance, the phrase sounds warm. Underneath, it carries a hidden message: I know what’s going on in your inner life. That is a big claim.
Even when two people face a similar event – a breakup, a job loss, a bereavement – they do not live the same experience. Their past, their personality, their sense of security and their old scars all shape the way they react.
Richomme stresses that, from a psychological point of view, no one feels something “exactly like” someone else. That gap makes the sentence risky.
This phrase can sound like you are grabbing hold of the other person’s emotion, simplifying their story, or even shrinking their pain.
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Some people hearing “I understand how you feel” report three silent reactions:
- “No, you don’t.” They feel misunderstood, because the depth or nuance of their emotion is not captured.
- “So, it’s not that special.” Their experience feels reduced to something common and generic.
- “You’ve made it about you.” The focus quietly shifts from their feelings to your own experiences.
The intention is usually kind. The effect can be the opposite. What was meant as empathy can be heard as appropriation.
From fixing emotions to listening to them
Richomme links this habit to what he calls a modern obsession with “emotional efficiency”. We want to help quickly. We want to soothe fast. We want to repair a friend’s distress like we would fix a broken app.
Yet emotions resist shortcuts. Sadness, fear or anger are not problems to be solved in a sentence. They are signals that need space, time and recognition.
People going through a rough time generally need less understanding and more listening, less explanation and more recognition.
Instead of trying to step inside the other person’s emotional skin, the psychoanalyst suggests we stay just outside it, with respect and curiosity. That subtle change can ease tension and make the other person feel safer.
What to say instead in 2026
Dropping “I understand how you feel” does not mean saying nothing. It means choosing words that acknowledge the other person’s experience without pretending to own it.
Here are some alternatives suggested by therapists and communication specialists, with the kind of impact they can have:
| Phrase | What it conveys |
|---|---|
| “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” | Respect for the uniqueness and difficulty of their experience. |
| “Thank you for telling me how you feel.” | Appreciation and validation of their openness and trust. |
| “I’m listening.” or “I’m here for you.” | Presence, availability and a focus on their needs. |
| “Do you want to talk about it, or just have some company?” | Respect for their boundaries and preferred kind of support. |
These sentences do something “I understand how you feel” rarely achieves: they leave the emotional spotlight on the other person, not on you.
The real skill: accepting that you don’t fully get it
Part of the discomfort comes from our fear of not knowing what to say. Silence scares us. So we reach for a cliché.
Richomme suggests a different posture: accept that you cannot fully grasp the other’s inner life, and say so honestly. That does not make you cold. It often makes you more trustworthy.
The turning point comes when we stop pretending to understand and start standing beside the other person, clearly and calmly.
Phrases like “I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but I care and I’m here” can sound less polished, yet they feel more real. That authenticity tends to strengthen relationships instead of glossing over discomfort.
Why some trendy phrases age badly
The shift away from “I understand how you feel” sits in a wider backlash against fashionable expressions. In France, for instance, social media creator Megan Villiot has called out the overuse of “C’est OK !” – the French equivalent of “It’s fine” or “It’s all good”.
These short, punchy lines often start as empowering mantras. With repetition, they turn into verbal wallpaper. Listeners stop trusting them, or feel slightly dismissed by them.
Language has seasons. Some phrases trend on TikTok or in corporate culture, then begin to grate. What changes is not just style; it is also our sensitivity to nuance and care.
Practical scenarios: what to say instead
When a friend is grieving
Someone tells you they have lost a parent. The reflex might be: “I understand how you feel, I lost my dad too.” A different approach could be:
- “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
- “I can’t imagine exactly how you’re feeling, but I’m here.”
- “If you want to talk about them, I’d love to listen.”
Your own experience can still matter, but it comes later, if they ask, and framed gently: “When my dad died, I felt very lost. I don’t know if that speaks to you.”
When a colleague is burnt out
A co-worker admits they are close to burnout. Instead of “I understand, we’re all exhausted,” which can sound dismissive, you might say:
- “That sounds really tough.”
- “Thank you for telling me. What would make things a bit lighter right now?”
- “Do you want me to help you talk to our manager about this?”
This keeps the focus on their limits and possible solutions, not on a vague shared misery.
Key terms behind this communication shift
Two ideas sit at the heart of this 2026 language reset.
Validation means letting someone know that their emotion makes sense, even if you would react differently. Saying “I can see why you’d feel that way” validates. Saying “You’re overreacting” does the opposite.
Recognition means noticing and naming the other person’s experience without seizing it. “You look really shaken by what happened” recognises their state without claiming to share it.
Small shifts in wording can turn a conversation from defensive to connected, from clumsy comfort to genuine support.
As 2026 unfolds, this focus on clear, modest language may spread beyond private chats. Customer service teams, managers, teachers and politicians all face the same temptation to say “I understand” as a shortcut to empathy. Replacing it with grounded, specific sentences could reduce frustration in many areas of daily life.
For anyone anxious about getting it wrong, one simple habit helps: before speaking, ask yourself whether your sentence shines a light on the other person, or on you. If it quietly centres your own feelings or experience, you probably have a better, calmer line available.